i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
