does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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