morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
