i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
