Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
