i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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