hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
