he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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