I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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