you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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