He uses pillows to masturbate.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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