right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Terrible idea I love it
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
