very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
