They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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