There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
