Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This baby is an asshole
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
