You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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