I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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