I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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