I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
