you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
