Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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