There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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