The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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