Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
