I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
