Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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