I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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