I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
