she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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