I am puke
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
