he wants to bone in the snuggie
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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