Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
