Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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