Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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