worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Congratulations! We have a period
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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