We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
