i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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