roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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