I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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