The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
