I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
