I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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