when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
