It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
