Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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