There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
