After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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