I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
