I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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