Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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