I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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