I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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