I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
