after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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