wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
