Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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