Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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