god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you had me at cake vodka
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
